All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
