As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
