Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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