and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize