my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
