I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
