I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
