The brown eye won't let me do that either.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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