My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize