I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
