Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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