Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
