I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
