I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
