I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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