I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
