I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's always time for handjobs
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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