note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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