so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
