somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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