Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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