I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
not ubering you a puppy
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
