she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
