he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
