Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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