When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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