I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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