made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
