Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
