I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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