well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize