So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he thought i was a dude.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize