morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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