I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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