Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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