Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
