How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
