Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
