Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
