Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
