How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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