2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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