I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
