shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
