bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So here I am, sexting at work.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
