I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
