This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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