Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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