I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
