the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
