i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize