I cannot find my penis.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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