alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
