As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
