My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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