Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
