based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
