well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
