walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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