I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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