i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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