Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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