mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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