her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Couch. On fire.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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