I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
