So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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