I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
