I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
