I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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